December 21st, 2016
Coincidentally Speaking
If you have found yourself here then consider yourself abundantly gifted with coincidence. This website is not advertised, nor marketed nor handed out. Since you have found yourself here however, feel free to read on. While these entries are are private to me, the internet is a very public place. If you’ve stumbled upon this little corner, perhaps you were meant to learn something here.
no onions & no CILANTRO
I met Mia years ago on a first date. One of the first things I remember about that date was when we ordered, she insisted on no onions and no cilantro. Mia is Mexican. It became a little joke with us (with me?). A slight, pretty woman who is as intelligent as she is loyal, Mia is a joy to be around. We dated for a short time, decided it was not to be and moved on to friendship. One of the closest friendships I have had in my life.
One of the closest friendships I managed to hurt.
The details will have to stop here but I’ll give you a little background. After all, this is a daily journal so the details will eventually come out. The short of it is pretty cut and dry. When you have a friend and that friend is close and you’ve confided your darkest fears, worst days they have done the same, it is your job to support them. Even if you think they might get hurt, you support them. If they do get hurt, you support them, if they do not get hurt, you celebrate with them. You do not let your own selfish need to protect get in the way of someone elses experience.
I failed Mia in this over a long period of time and she finally had enough.
We met for the last time on December 20th, 2016 and at 10:22pm I watched her walk away. She told me to give her six months.
I do not believe I can hold out six months but I decided on the drive home that I would keep a daily journal no matter what happens. Even if we reconcile tomorrow, I’ll write daily until June 20th, 2017. Even if I crack and blow her phone up and she blocks me from her life in every conceivable way, I’ll write.
I will write because in the days before that evening, something began changing in me. It started with a Sunday out together. I began realizing how I might be affecting her, how I might sound to her. I did a marathon meditation session shortly after and things became clear. I was elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to her but by then, she had enough.
In my mind it resembles someone jumping a ravine and getting their fingertips on the edge of the other side only to fall anyway.
I have hope for our friendship though. My normal modus operandi is to try and fix everything “right now” but I’m trying patience which is not my strong suit when it comes to situations like this. She was patient with me for a long time, I feel I should attempt to be the same. Succeed or fail.
Our friendship is worth more than I will ever be able to make clear with words and I owe her more than she knows.
details
As I mentioned, these are daily entries. They are all hand written into a journal that I hand-crafted and this happens as soon as they are posted here. I do this because my hands are nearly always fatigued so rather than write and scratch out errors, I write here and then copy verbatim into the journal. I decided on the journal immediately on that ride home because one of the last things I found out about Mia was that she really enjoys having written word given to her. She also mentioned in those last days; “I very rarely see your handwriting”. It got me thinking. I am somewhat of a leather smith and so a journal was the natural choice.
On June 20th, 2017, whether in person and long since reconciled, by mail or hand-delivered on my instructions by a trustee, the hand-written journal will be presented to Mia.
I hope my penmanship improves by then...