Month: January 2017

Attended the Women’s march today. Beautiful. Tonight was the Feast of Saint Voloc. Thinking about you a lot today.

Today it has been a month since I have seen your face or heard your voice. I am trying to let that sink in. I am choking on tears. 

Today was so slow! I went to a gathering of friends at Tutta’s after work for of all things, a political debate. Interesting to hear so many perspectives. Ended up at Old Monk afterwards. I have not been there in probably over five years.

So today started out pretty normal. I took the day off to take Sabrina to an early-morning dental surgery. It should have been done within a couple hours. She had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia and was taken to the hospital. It ended up taking 8. I drove her home and she’s doing OK. I am at Good Friend winding down solo.

Another Tuesday! Today was fairly calm. I’ve been in pretty good spirits for a couple weeks. I’m saving links I would have normally sent you because.. Why not! Sabrina has surgery tomorrow. I’m driving her and taking her home.

I got your letter in the mail today. It felt cold pained. I was unclear about something written. I messaged you but I don’t expect a reply. It’s ok, I think I understand. I’m continuing on the belief that the last thing you said remains true. My heart hurts because I know you used every bit of patience over these past three and a half years and it’s my own fault. I am super happy you got the package. Thank you for the confirmation.

I met with a counselor yesterday and we talked mostly about you and what led up to our current situation. We talked about why my protection mechanisms sometimes get in the way of relationships. It was insightful. I have another scheduled for next week. I was out pretty late last night catching up with friends. Today has been dreary out so I’ve spent most of it inside with Ghost.

My sister’s birthday party is tonight. I want to call you. Invite you. I want you to meet my people. I want to do the things I should have done throughout our friendship. The things I realized too late I should have been doing for someone I held so close. I’ve always been a slow learner at certain things.

I brought the frame you bought me with our pictures in it home from work today. I’m doing a wall full of just pictures of friends and it’s going up there. I wonder if those shots of you and I are still behind your couch. It’s Friday and the days just seem to drag lately but I feel great which is nice. I have a friend coming to hang out in a bit. The house has been too quiet.

Today Shelton posted one of those “memories” on Facebook. Eight years we’ve been friends. Through a ton of crap and we’ve always communicated. Bennett and I, same thing except 20 years. Through marriages and heartbreak and arguments and short bouts of being upset with one another. But we always communicated. I guess I feel like you threw away four years of friendship in a 30 minute conversation without much explanation other than “If I want a chance with…” I am not blaming you at all, far from it. I own my mistakes and as I’ve said I learned from them but I don’t understand why you couldn’t have just said “You are being a shitty friend and I need you to fix it, I need your support.” I would have worked on it for you. I would have done anything to make our friendship better. I did not realize what I was doing to you, I admit that I was ignorant. I wish you would have just said something rather than walking away. I know you said “six months” but I have a feeling you have no intention of honoring that and it kills me. I love you and your absent friendship is a hole in my heart. Apologies if that seems mad. I’m not, I’m just frustrated that you wouldn’t give me a few answers before running away.