90 Days. Halfway through your 6 month sentence. Halfway through my promise to keep this journal daily until June 20th. These past three months have been one of the longest stretches of constant soul searching I have ever done. While I’m almost certain you are long since over my friendship, this journal has kept it fresh for me day after day. This was my choice of course, my decision to postpone the healing I will possibly have to do in another 90 days if you decide I am no longer worth your time.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and a little about you along the way. I learned that I suffer from depression, something I denied but am now doing something about. I learned I have some great people in my life who will stick by me through the worst and I’ve met new people who are amazing. I’ve learned what it is like to be happy again. I’ve learned how much I could miss you and how much confusion and pain a single person I love could cause me. I’ve learned that you will go to extremes to keep me out of your life, even as far as refusing packages containing your own personal items. I have learned a lot, some painful lessons and some positive ones but lessons all the same.
Some days I still go back and forth about the “why”. “Why did you tell me you’d never do me the way you did Scot and just walk out of my life only to do that exact thing?” Some days, most days now, I can answer that question. “Because I was nothing but negative in your life and I didn’t support you even if I thought I was trying to protect you.” My single greatest fear was that you would do to me, what you did to Scot. That is why I brought it up so often. I was terrified to lose you like that and it happened. It was a self fulfilling prophecy in my mind and one I had a huge hand in creating. I’ve learned a lot. Even if you don’t keep your word in June and reconnect with me, you’ve taught me a ton with your absence and for that, I simply can never be upset with you.
Tonight I am sipping a Scotch you introduced me to long ago. I promised myself I would reflect at the halfway point and so that is what I’m doing. Reflecting. I miss you as much now as I did a week ago, a month ago, a season ago. I find solace in memories we shared that cannot be blocked or deleted. I’ve shed more tears for the loss of our friendship than I have for another event in my life. That is no exaggeration. Maybe it’s because I’m older now than when other tragedies occurred in my life and less worried about crying when I feel the need. Maybe it’s simply because of the immense love I’ve had for you and people are supposed to cry when they lose someone they love.
I hope you’ve found love Mia. I hope you’ve found happiness and truly, I hope we find each other’s friendship again.