Kevin Writes Mia

Made it out to Mineral Wells State Park this afternoon in the campler. The sky is full of stars. It’s amazing. I knew people did astronomy here but it’s just insane. I found traces of you while I was setting up. Little reminders of our friendship are everywhere it seems.  I truly hope you are happy.

Taking the RV out to Mineral Wells State Park tomorrow through Friday. I need a real vacation though. Not my best day at work today but that’s how it goes. Looking forward to getting away even if it’s only two hours away.

90 Days. Halfway through your 6 month sentence. Halfway through my promise to keep this journal daily until June 20th. These past three months have been one of the longest stretches of constant soul searching I have ever done. While I’m almost certain you are long since over my friendship, this journal has kept it fresh for me day after day. This was my choice of course, my decision to postpone the healing I will possibly have to do in another 90 days if you decide I am no longer worth your time.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and a little about you along the way. I learned that I suffer from depression, something I denied but am now doing something about. I learned I have some great people in my life who will stick by me through the worst and I’ve met new people who are amazing. I’ve learned what it is like to be happy again. I’ve learned how much I could miss you and how much confusion and pain a single person I love could cause me. I’ve learned that you will go to extremes to keep me out of your life, even as far as refusing packages containing your own personal items. I have learned a lot, some painful lessons and some positive ones but lessons all the same.

Some days I still go back and forth about the “why”. “Why did you tell me you’d never do me the way you did Scot and just walk out of my life only to do that exact thing?” Some days, most days now, I can answer that question. “Because I was nothing but negative in your life and I didn’t support you even if I thought I was trying to protect you.” My single greatest fear was that you would do to me, what you did to Scot. That is why I brought it up so often. I was terrified to lose you like that and it happened. It was a self fulfilling prophecy in my mind and one I had a huge hand in creating. I’ve learned a lot. Even if you don’t keep your word in June and reconnect with me, you’ve taught me a ton with your absence and for that, I simply can never be upset with you.

Tonight I am sipping a Scotch you introduced me to long ago. I promised myself I would reflect at the halfway point and so that is what I’m doing. Reflecting. I miss you as much now as I did a week ago, a month ago, a season ago. I find solace in memories we shared that cannot be blocked or deleted. I’ve shed more tears for the loss of our friendship than I have for another event in my life. That is no exaggeration. Maybe it’s because I’m older now than when other tragedies occurred in my life and less worried about crying when I feel the need. Maybe it’s simply because of the immense love I’ve had for you and people are supposed to cry when they lose someone they love.

I hope you’ve found love Mia. I hope you’ve found happiness and truly, I hope we find each other’s friendship again.

Last night turned out to be an odd night. The bar in Deep Ellum called “Hide” is nice though. Was at Jessica’s today fixing things at her house before sale. The divorce from Mike is a definite thing.

Went to “our” Nordstrom Rack today. Been avoiding it but things have begun to settle. Planning a mini-vacation next week. Went to “Hide” tonight for a meet and greet.

Saint Patrick’s Day. Staying home tonight. Amateurs … 🙂 I did have a proper Irish dinner with a friend from work who took the day off work to cook. Nice end of the week. Hoping Mushu is recovering and hope you are too. I am sure you are devastated. It must have been hell to hear about it while out of town. My heart hurts that I cannot be there for you. 

There was a fire at Scarborough Faire grounds a couple days ago. No one hurt, maybe you saw the news. Sad though. The destroyed shop is the place that does most of my brocade outfits. Nice people. Good people. The faire is just around the corner. I remember talking to you last year about trying to get you to come this year.

This week has been slow. You’ve been on my mind a lot since the post about Mushu being attacked. I’ve had to pull my hand back from the send button few times on my work phone. I want to reach out to you like I normally would have but nothing about this exile is normal.

Remember that time we were on I-75 in my Mini and two people in front of us wrecked and I had to maneuver around them? That happened again yesterday on 635 except I was in the Xterra and had a pregnant woman in the front seat… So.. yeah.. That happened..

I saw your post about Mushu tonight. I broke my silence to tried and reach out. I know you are blocking me on.. everything… But I couldn’t be silent. I’m so sorry about the attack. One of my fears through all of this was regarding Mushu. I wish you’d let me be there for you. By the way, I have a couple ideas for pirate names and I’d like to make her an eyepatch. 🙂